40 Years of Disability (1984-2024)

I've given a lot of thought about whether I wanted to write this post or not. After a lot of back and forth, I decided to go for it. I have some thoughts and just want to get them out.

First of all, if you want to know this full story of how I became disabled, please see this post. This blog post is not about how I became disabled, so please refer to the link if you want the details. I wrote it in 2013, but the story is still the same. 😀

On December 21 of this year, I will have been disabled for 40 years. 40 years!!!!! Sometimes I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. I was very young when our car accident occurred, and I turned 46 this year. No matter how you count it, that's forty years. Let us walk down the road of a few musings, shall we?

I've gone on record saying that if I was destined to be a paraplegic no matter what, I am grateful I was a child when it happened. I still believe that, for the most part. As I've gotten older, I've embraced the fact that it's ok to say that it wasn't fair. While children adapt quickly and are very resilient, it isn't fair that they should have to. It wasn't easy being a disabled wheelchair user as a kid and it's ok to feel sad for her sometimes. I did miss out on some basic childhood experiences while being in a wheelchair, but I don't feel resentful. 

Public accessibility has always been a thorn in my side. Between local historical buildings that have the bare minimum for wheelchairs, disabled parking, and the fact that the average home has multiple stairs, it's hard to simply exist independently as a wheelchair user. Not to mention the constant "help" not offered, but put upon by well meaning folks. Being "kidnapped" while simply trying to push yourself up a ramp or down a sidewalk, being infantilized by folks who simply don't know how to speak to a disabled adult, to being hailed a hero and an inspiration for simply pushing a cart through the grocery store as you do your weekly food shopping. I'd like to say that ableism has gotten better as folks have become more educated, but that's not the case. That's a blog post for another day.

I do recognize that I'm fortunate in the fact that I do not deal with pain that often comes with having a spinal cord injury. My only aches and pains are those of getting older, and a heating pad and an Advil will usually take care of it. I also have osteoporosis in my lower body due to nonuse. An x-ray of my  legs look like those of a non-ambulatory 90-year-old, and unfortunately, there's nothing I can really do about it. It's one of those things that comes with being a paraplegic. 

I'll end my thoughts with one more point: after 40 years of being disabled, I truly wish that I could keep the wheelchair and ditch the disability. Not being able to walk is just a small window into my world, and I won't go into the details. I assure you, no one wants to hear about them. A Google search of paraplegia can give you the facts. If my day to day was only about sitting and not walking, my life would be a lot simpler. Unfortunately that's not the case so I deal with the cards I've been dealt. 

I know I've come across somewhat bitter in the post, but I will chalk it up to fatigue. Life is busy lately and I've been thinking about this anniversary the past couple of months. So please, be safe out there and please wear a seatbelt.

For reference, this pic was taken of me a few months before our car wreck. I know, I know, it reeks of the eighties.

This is me now 🤓

Anxiety Update

FULL DISCLAIMER: This is my experience. No one has the same struggle and anxiety is different with every individual. Please consult professionals for health advice!

TMI! You've been warned!

2018 was a an interesting year dealing with anxiety. For the most part, I managed it well, but it was still a struggle. Back in November, I gave my problem a lot of thought and thought there had to more I could be doing. The thing I could never get out of my mind was how I seemed to develop anxiety almost overnight. One day I was fine, and the next day the rooms were closing in on me on a regular basis. The best way to describe the feeling is to watch season 3 of Netflix's Daredevil. The character of Dex/Bullseye has was sounds like a beehive in his head during his moments of panic. That is EXACTLY what my anxiety felt like!!!! While watching the show with my husband, I actually paused the show and said, "That! That is anxiety, RIGHT THERE!" Of all places to identify, Daredevil. AWESOME series, you should totally watch it, if you haven't already.

Back to November.

I evaluated everything I was doing to manage and what I could be doing more/differently. I tracked my anxiety back and when it actually started. What was going on in my life? I nailed down when I began to feel panicked and you could have knocked me over with a feather. I started taking Nora-BE back in December of 2015. I was having horrible menstrual cramps and begged my doctor for help. After trying a few kinds, I landed on Nora-BE. Thankfully, it helped my cramps and I could live my life again.

I gave it a lot of thought and decided to come off the pill to see what happens. I told myself that if I got 50% relief from my anxiety but had horrible cramps, I would be perfectly ok with that. That was a trade-off I was willing to make. Within a few days, I began to feel a huge difference. I had reached a point in my life where I couldn't be in a tight, stagnant crowd without the head buzzing, a blinding headache, and the feeling of panic. This horrible feeling was gone. Not lessened, which was my tentative hope, but gone.

I took my last dose of Nora-BE on Thanksgiving evening. I'm feeling so much better, both physically and mentally. Another surprise, my cramps are just fine. I've had 2 cycles since I stopped the pill and they haven't been bad at all. I've also turned 40, so that may make a difference as well. Medication affects people in different ways, and long term, this one made my life very difficult. After coming off the pill, I feel so much more present in my body, if that makes sense. Before stopping the pill, I went and read the side effects/possible side effects of this particular pill. Good grief, no wonder I had anxiety! I really kicked myself for not considering this earlier, but I truly had never thought my anxiety was a result of the pill.  Lesson learned.

Like I started this blog with, this is MY experience. I'm not suggesting that anxiety can be magically cured by coming off a medication. I also believe that meds have helped people with anxiety and depression and I am not anti-meds for these. I'll end this too-long by encouraging anyone who has had anxiety issue like mine to please talk to a doctor. It took me a long time to admit that I was having a problem, a long time to not be embarrassed about it, and a long time to realize and take comfort that I wasn't alone. I isolated myself and didn't participate in a lot of things I normally would have in the past. It really took over my life. If you see a doctor and don't feel heard or understood, see someone else!

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back *le sigh*

I never, EVER had intentions to make this blog a source to write about my disability. That was never my goal. But lately it seems like I am facing more issues not only with people, but with businesses. I feel that in 2019, basic accessibility in public places should be a done deal. Sadly, this is not the case.

I came into my local Starbucks with the intention of blogging. I didn't blog much at all last year and I miss it. Anyway, as I came into the store, I realized I hadn't actually been inside in awhile, just gone through the drive-thru. (You know my sitting and chilling heart belongs to Lasaters, but I digress.) My mouth dropped open as I came in and looked for a place to set up my laptop.

It may not be evident to the average eye looking at the room without being here, so let me explain. There were 4 tables in the store that were accessible, but they were all taken. The rest of the store had been filled with 2 long rectangular tables instead. HIGH tables with stools, no less. Oooooook, I thought. Having no choice, I set up at the end of the table. I ended up sitting to the left of the man in the orange sweater. I make the best of what I've got. Here begins my frustration.

These pictures show the problem. My laptop is in front of me, my webcam at eye level with me. I'm typing on my laptop just a few inches shorter than shoulder level.

Starbucks, I ask you, in what world was this a good idea?! It isn't like I came in here and every available table was taken and I had nowhere to set up. Nothing at all wrong with that. You've made 50% of your establishment inaccessible to wheelchair users! A ton of other wheelchair users have chairs much more closer to the ground than mine. If they wanted to come in and use their laptop, they couldn't. Starbucks. A coffeehouse. Yes, the long, high table makes it possible to fit more people in here. The idea was spot-on, the end result just not wheelchair friendly. 🤦🏻‍♀️x 1,000,000

See you tomorrow, Lasaters. I won't be back inside this Starbucks until these high tables are gone.

Perceived as helpless...what?!?!

I harken back to a blog post I made last year:

A Wee Request

I'm still going through this and am struggling. This past weekend, after a morning of being pushed up a ramp I never asked help for, something came to my mind. It was in the opening lines of our choir singing, "Thou, O Lord." Am I the problem? Am I doing something that makes me come across helpless? Am I carrying myself in a way that screams, "Help this woman!!!!!"

Like the blog I mentioned above, it's killing me people not taking "no" for an answer, then taking over a task for me. I was at a buffet line once and heading back to my table. A man asked me if I needed help, to which declined. He said, "Here, let me take this for you," proceeded to take my plate from my hands, and take it to my table. Situations like that. I may look like I'm struggling doing something, but if I haven't asked anyone for help, I don't need any. If I haven't asked for someone to push me up a ramp, or push me at all, for that matter, I can make it on my own.

Again, like I said in the other post, I believe most people's intentions are kind and well-meaning. I stay quiet and don't really say anything when this happens. I don't mind being offered help, not one bit. It's people not taking "no" for an answer, or just doing it with asking for consent at all, is what I'm struggling with. In the end, they aren't doing me any favors, only making themselves feel good. I know I sound bitter and ungrateful, but this has been happening to me a lot lately. It has gotten to the point that I have been second-guessing myself: is this something I'm doing? Do I actually look helpless and just don't realize it? What do I do, if anything, to change this misconception of me?

At the end of the day, people are going to think what they will about me and my disability, and I'm totally fine with that. Whether they are right or wrong in their perception, I have no issue with that. I do, however, have issues with how I am treated based on that perception, or misconception. Most people with a disability want nothing more than to be treated like any other human being in this world. To not be favored, pitied, separated, infantilized, or condescended to. I am one of these people. I've spent the last few days thinking about this and what it is my power to make this happen less. I honestly have no idea.

Update on My Current Struggle

Before you read any further, please take a moment to read my previous blog post about anxiety, if you haven't already.

http://poohskitten.blogspot.com/2016/09/my-current-struggle.html

I'm really sorry to say that I have still been struggling with this. Outside of church, I've learned how to make it manageable. In most public places, as long as I keep moving, I can deal with the crowds, the noise, and the height of others pretty well. Unfortunately, in tighter situations, I'm still having the same struggle.

As far as what I wrote about in the above blog, the choir room/church, I'm in a bit of a fight or flight point. I am a part of the choir room for, at most, 20 minutes between services on Sunday morning. Sometimes I just stay backstage and join the choir when the come into the worship center. There are times I absolutely have to stay in there because I need to review the music we are performing that morning. In that case, I look at it as I have no choice. If I decide to stay and fight, I get a massive headache, complete with throbbing in my ears and pain all the way down into my teeth and jaw. If there is loud conversation around me competing with the singing, add in tall people around me, that is when I sometimes flee. I either leave the room and go backstage, or I simply exit altogether and go home. My car becomes my sanctuary. The peace, the silence, the cool air blowing in my face. I've been known to absolutely burst into tears when I do this, though: the frustration, the pain, the embarrassment, and the fact that I feel completely out of control of a simple situation.

I worried all Easter weekend that I wasn't going to be able to do all of the choir performances we had scheduled. I managed our Saturday just fine; it was just 2 performances. Easter morning we had 3, back to back. I told myself I'd reevaluate how I felt after second service was over and make a decision about third. I felt I had to try my hardest to make it all three services, for many reasons. The day went pretty well, I made it the entire morning. I have to admit, however, that I was completely mentally and physically exhausted and ended up going to bed at 8:00.

I did a Facebook live video yesterday after walking The Greenway. I mentioned how wonderful it was to get outside and on the path again, and alluded to the fact that I was thinking about quitting certain things because of the anxiety I'm dealing with. Before Easter, I had painfully been thinking about quitting choir. I don't want to, I truly don't want to. I love singing more than anything in this world, and it's something I work hard at and take a lot of pride in doing. I can't walk, but I can wail, you know?

This really started coming to a head last summer. I sat down with Scott after we got home from Chicago and admitted, "I don't think I can do this anymore." To that end, I'm most likely not going on the Atlanta trip our choir is taking this summer. I feel ok with this decision, but it frustrates me. Being disabled/using a wheelchair, you are separated from people in most public situations, just by design. This just pulls me away from people even more. Like most people, I can deal with problems that have a solution. The solution to this problem just hasn't presented itself yet. I'm doing the absolute best that I can, and sometimes I have to say no to doing things.

I think what makes me so down about this situation is that this used to never bother me. People being taller than me, noise, crowds, all of it. I was never claustrophobic, never had anxiety; and now I do. Why? I may never know, but I'm working hard to find a way to deal with it. I've really appreciated those dealing with anxiety talking to me and sharing their experiences. It reminds me that I'm not alone, and that it's ok to feel this way.

A wee request

Something I've had a hard time with lately is people not taking "no" for answer.

For those new to my blog, this is me:

I'm, obviously, a paraplegic. I have been since I was a child. I've been disabled for 32 years and am extremely independent. Back to my semi-rant.

I sometimes feel that I look helpless. Nothing has changed in my health, body, or how I get around at all, but I find more people offering me help lately. That's not a big deal; I appreciate the kindness of others. But people seem to be taking over for me a lot lately. I turn down an offer for help, they insist, and take over a task I'm doing, or take something I'm doing away from me. I know I should probably just lighten up, but it is honestly taking my taking my independence and dignity away. It's frustrating and embarrassing.

For example, I was transferring into my car one day and someone approached me. I had just taken the brakes off of my wheelchair to begin tearing it down. (Note: I have a video on how I do this on my blog. I will link it below.) He asked me if I needed help, to which I cheerfully replied, "No, but thank you!" He then proceeds to take ahold of my wheelchair, move it away from me, and go on to say, "No, really, let me help. What do you need me to do?" Now, mind you, I was tired and had a horrible headache at that time, so I told him, "You can kindly put my wheelchair right back where it was. Thank you!" I was actually livid and drove my tush to Starbucks and got some coffee to calm down, and caffeine for my headache.

Another example, I was at Publix. I had just gotten in line and was unloading my very full cart. I felt someone get in line behind me. A woman comes up to me and asks if I needed help, to which I, again, told her, "no, but thanks!" She said, "Here, I'll do it." There was no stopping her. I was so embarrassed.

I know, I know; I seem really rude, testy, and unkind towards people who are just trying to help me. But think about this: as people get into their Golden Years, we try to do everything we can to help them keep their dignity, correct? Let them do what they are still capable of doing, not talking to them like they are children while they are still quite lucid, etc. The same goes for people like myself. Not taking "no" for answer in these cases is embarrassing. It's saying to someone, "I know you say you can do x,y, z, but I'm going to do it for you anyway." The reason people do this is because it makes themselves feel better. They did a good deed for someone disabled.

I've worked extremely hard to get to where I am now. When I had my car accident, I spent a lot of time in occupational therapy. OT is therapy that teaches you how do to daily tasks that you now have to do in a different way. For example, I had to learn how put on socks and shoes without lifting my feet, how to get dressed while not standing, things everyone does in their daily life. I also had to learn how to open and close doors in a wheelchair, how to go up AND down ramps, and how to acquire balance in a wheelchair. When I got older, I had a therapist teach me how to get in and out of cars. You get the picture.

I'm not shy about asking for help, or accepting help when it's offered and I truly need it. Really, I'm not. I truly don't know what to do in these kind of situations, other than just keep my mouth shut and quietly seethe. I know people's intentions are good and 99% of the time; people are just trying to be nice. But I did need to vent about this. I guess it goes back to my major complaint about being disabled: you are never invisible.

Link to blog about car transfers:
http://poohskitten.blogspot.com/2013/10/ta-da.html

My Current Struggle

As you know,  I'm a paraplegic. I have been a para since I was six years old. I feel that I handle my disability pretty well and accept my limitations, for the most part.

In the past year, I have been struggling with some mild anxiety. It's happened when I am around a group of people in a tight surrounding, mainly when those people are standing. I just get overwhelmed and feel like I'm shrinking. This feeling is intensified by loud noise/voices. If I can get away from the crowd and get fresh air and some silence, I do pretty good. For the longest time I just chalked it up to being introverted and needing my space.

Why am I writing about this? Because this was never an issue with me in the past. I know these things can just develop for no reason, but honestly, I'm simply frustrated with myself. It's a total control thing, I know, but I when you are disabled, a lot of your daily life is regimented. Anxiety, claustrophobia, and panicking was never a part of this equation.

My problem seemed to be manageable until a few weeks ago when I was at church. I was in the choir room with rest of the choir, preparing for the next service. The choir room was absolutely stuffed to the gills with people and no room to spare. I was sitting in my spot and since there were no chairs left, there were a lot of people standing, some near me. With everyone towering over me and the noise level being so loud, I felt the room start to close in on me. We went out and sang the service, and I went back to the choir room for my connect group.

I had fought tears the entire worship service. They were tears of frustration, tears of the feeling I was in the way, and feeling like I was on the verge of just completely breaking down. I didn't hear a word of what was talked about in our class; I just tried to concentrate on my breathing and calm down.

After the class was over, we had another rehearsal before we went to sing in the third service. The crowd and the noise level was even worse. One of my friends got my attention and asked me if I was ok. I just looked at her, raised my hands and told her, "It's just so much." She knew exactly what I meant. At that moment, an individual "woo-hoo'ed" really loud next to me, and it was like the dentist hit a tooth that had not yet been numbed with a drill. I fought everything within me from just bolting from the room and leaving. Honestly, I wish I had.

After singing in that final service, Scott and I left. We went to pick up some lunch to take home and I just waited in the car. He came back to find me sobbing. I felt such a release in crying and it was really hard to stop. He knew what had been going that morning and calmed me down.

I struggled all day with being embarrassed about what happened. Once I was feeling better, I couldn't help thinking that I was being ridiculous. Rooms are crowded and loud, everyone is taller than me, and sometimes life just isn't fair and you need to deal with it. First world problem, Lindsay. After a lot of thought and speaking to people who deal with these kind of feelings every day, I realize I have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I didn't want to feel this way; it was my body's natural response to a stressful situation.

I'm putting this out there to remind everyone that we are all human, and that we all have things that we struggle with. I also hope that someone reading this has some tips for me to help with these situations. I have solved my choir room problem for the time being, but I will take any and all suggestions.

If you made it through this wall of text, I thank you!

25 Reasons to be Thankful (inspired by Kid President)

After a few days of seeing nothing but complaining on Facebook, I stumbled upon an old video from Kid President about 25 things to be thankful for. Rather than waste time complaining about complainers, I decided to take a moment and write about 25 things I am thankful for, as silly as some of them may seem.

1. Coffee, coffee, and a little more coffee. I'm also thankful for the fact that Scott makes my first cup every morning.

2. I have no sense of smell. I could consider it a curse, but I don't. Bring it on, Bowater.

3. Mexican food. It's my favorite comfort food, it gives me heartburn, but I could eat it every single day.

4. Cooke's grocery store deli. Your food rocks my socks off and I have my boss to thank for it.

5. My brown fuzzy blanket. It was given to me as Christmas gift many years ago and I love that dad gum thing. I sleep with it year round and it also comes to the couch with me, no matter how hot it is outside.

6. I love to do laundry. Granted, it's just Scott and I, so there's never a mountain. I just find so much joy in a load of clean towels.

7. Our cats who have become such a part of our lives. It started with one, now we have 3 consistent ones who we call ours. They went from staring at us from the top of our hill while we put out food, to staring at us while waiting to be fed, and two of them let us pet them. I hope to someday work them into our house, get them fixed, and be able to keep them safe inside.

8. I'm turning into my mother, and that's ok.

9. I can sing by breathing from my diaphragm, despite having a spinal cord injury and unable to stand.

10. Supernanny is available to watch on YouTube. I have no idea why I watch it, none at all.

11. Law and Order: SVU exists. No explanation needed.

12. Reynold's non-stick foil. It makes life sooooo much easier.

13. The invention of the Kindle/tablet. It has made reading so much easier and my bookshelves thank me.

14. The fact that I was injured as a young child. I'm aware that sounds extremely bizarre, but I am very thankful for this fact. I've met so many people who were injured as adults and are very bitter, and I know I would be, too.

15. White noise machines and apps. I fell in love with mine when I worked third shift and I can't sleep without. And now neither can Scott. *wink wink*

16. I have two functions hands. They give me my independence.

17. I'm thankful for hummus and that I have a husband who hates it. More for me!

18. I'm thankful for the scar that runs down the length of my back. It shows that I'm a survivor.

19. Sia. I love her- her voice, her songs, and all of her quirkiness.

20. Spanx- they are a wonderful invention and make everything look a little bit nicer.

21. Pajamas are one of my most favorite things in the world. Why wouldn't I be thankful for them?

22. I have lost enough weight and gotten into shape enough to have a 4-door car.

23. I'm thankful for melatonin. Anxiety can keep me awake at night and melatonin does the trick.

24. I have a husband who still loves me after all these years.

25. I guess what prompted this whole blog to begin with. I am thankful of the decisions Scott and I have made in our marriage. They were ours to make and we stand firm and proud on them. Before we were married, we made the choice to not have children. A lot of people we know are married with children, and are very happy. In the same vein people can be proud and brag about their children, I feel Scott and I should be able to do the same. Unfortunately, it's not really socially acceptable to be openly thankful to be childfree, so it's not really something we bring up in conversation.

All that said, I'm thankful Scott and I have no kids. 😀

Books I've Read in 2015

Here's my list of books I've read in 2015. My goal is to read at least one book a month.

January:
Christopher's Diary: Secrets of Foxworth by V.C. Andrews
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss
The Giver by Lois Lowry
Heaven by V.C. Andrews
   The Casteel Series, Book 1

February:
Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn
Dark Places by Gillian Flynn
Dark Angel by V.C. Andrews
    The Casteel Series, Book 2

March:
Fallen Hearts by V.C. Andrews
   The Casteel Series, Book 3

April:
Gates of Paradise by V.C. Andrews

May:
Divergent by Veronica Roth
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

June:
Insurgent by Veronica Roth

July:
Allegiant by Veronica Roth

August
Go Set A Watchman by Harper Lee

September 
Friction by Sandra Brown
Love Beyond Reason by Sandra Brown
Mean Streak by Sandra Brown 
Envy by Sandra Brown

October
The Crush by Sandra Brown
Deadline by Sandra Brown

November
The Witness by Sandra Brown
Breath of Scandal by Sandra Brown

What I Hope to Accomplish in 2015

For the past 2 years, I have made a list of things I want to accomplish throughout the year instead of making New Years resolutions. The first year I did it, I was very faithful and accomplished almost everything on my list. In 2014, not so much. It was a rough year and I got lazy with them. I'm hoping for a better year in 2015, so here's my list.

- Get back to blogging
  *In 2013 I wanted to blog at least once a week. At the end of the year I had 70 blog posts. I was sick of writing and felt like I had nothing to say. I have no goals on how much I want to blog this year, but I definitely want to get back to writing.

- Read at least one book a month
  *I want at least 6 of those books to be classics. At the time I'm writing this, I've already finished one book, which I'm honestly embarrassed to say that I've read. I'm now working on my second for the month, which is The Catcher in the Rye. I read it many moons ago and loved it, so I brought it out again. I'll probably write a post to keep a list of what I've read from month to month. 

- Maintain my weight, possibly losing one more size
  *I've really struggled putting this one on my list. I've maintained being a size 6 for over a year now and I'm quite happy at this weight. At my height, which is 5'3, if you care, my weight is fine. I just think I could go down ten more pounds/one more jeans size. If I don't make it to a 4 by year's end, that will be fine, as long as I don't go up a size. I admit I struggle with image issues, something I may blog about later. 

- Learn to make chicken and dumplings, as well as chicken and dressing
  *These are 2 of my favorite things that my mother and grandmother make and I want to master them.

That's really all I have for now. I carry this list on my phone so I have them with me at all times. Happy New Year, everyone! :-) Let's have some coffee!

Happy 30th!

On December 21 of this year, the 30th anniversary of my car wreck occurred. I've been a little reflective this month, so I thought I would share a few thoughts.

I was six years old when I was hit by a drunk driver. I had just started first grade, just taken the training wheels off my bike, and was learning to water ski. My family was essentially hit by a one-in-a-million lightening strike. I was in the hospital during Christmas with a broken back, broken jaw, and a lovely case of pneumonia. I should have died.

My recovery felt like it took forever. I'll be perfectly honest, I was on heavy pain medication and I don't remember a lot. I know it sounds strange, but I'm so glad this happened when I was a child. Children adapt a lot easier than adults do and if I was destined to be a paraplegic, I'm grateful to have it happen as a child. I wasn't given a choice- I had to recover and get on with my life!

I was taking to my mother about this anniversary recently. I remarked that thinking about it made me feel very old. She said that it made her very sad and that she tries not to think about it. I guess I can understand that. Listen, I have my bad days, just like everyone else. Sure, what happened to me was awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone or their children. But like I told my mom, I'm not the worse for it. I'm healthy, happy, and have a great life. I've made a good life for myself and I have nothing, absolutely nothing to complain about. I try my best to live every day with a grateful heart.

Here are a few pictures. The first is of me when the wreck happened with my occupational therapist. The next one is of me and my rehab team. (sorry for the bad quality, it was 1984-85)

 

 I am now 36 years old. Here are a few pictures of what I look like now:

What makes me smile:

Thanks for taking the time to read this! Like I said, I've been reflective lately and I wanted to take a moment to record my thoughts. Happy New Year, everyone!

Just a few little tidbits

I know I harp about my weight a lot. I know I've lost a lot and I'm aware that I come across difficult to please. Like I've said before, I post a lot of these before and after pictures mainly for myself. I need somewhere to come and take a moment to see how far I've come. I thought I would take minute to explain why I'm so hard on myself. But first, here's a really good body shot of me, before and after:

January 2012                                 November 2013

There's a huge reason I still see a fat girl when I look in the mirror. Due to my level of injury (T5-6), I have no stomach muscles, so to speak. This is kind of hard to explain, so bear with me. I can't do crunches or sit-ups because I have no control of those muscles. Case in point, when I am laying on my back, I turn on my side and sit up using my hands/elbows. I can't sit up without using my hands, if that makes sense. (I may make a video demonstrating this.)

All that said, I have a tummy. A rather big one. It's come a LOOOONG way since I started losing weight, but it's still there. Due to being a paraplegic, I will always have one, unfortunately. This is one of those things I just have to make peace with, unless I get plastic surgery, which I really don't want to do. I have excess skin there, just like anyone else who has lost a lot of weight, and I can't tighten those muscles up naturally. That's just the way it is.

There is one thing I have to remind myself about. Everyone has a bit of a gut while in a sitting position. When I push up on my tires and elongate my body*, my stomach is less noticeable. In that position I can really see the weight I've lost. Like I said in a recent blog, I'm really trying to give myself a break. I've visibly lost a lot of weight, gone down from a size 16W jeans to a 6/8, and am wearing M/L tops (you know how brands can vary, dangitall), and no longer have to shop in plus-sized sections of stores. My life has changed dramatically in the almost 2 years I've been on this journey. Not to mention, I feel awesome.

So please don't worry about me. I don't have an eating disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, or anything like that. I'm just striving to be the best I can be and am hard on myself. Also, I appreciate all of the kind words and encouragement I've received. Thanks to everyone for being so supportive! :-)

*This makes more sense to show than to write about. Feel free to ask me to demonstrate for you :-)

Things to Accomplish in 2014

Last year I decided to make a list of things I wanted to accomplish throughout the year instead of making new years resolutions. I decided to do it again for 2014. I'm going to add to my list throughout the month of January because the holidays have been bananas and I haven't had much time to work on a list.

Here we go!

1. Donate blood on a schedule (again).

2. Blog on a regular basis, concentrating on adding pictures.

3. De-clutter our house. I have a lot that can be thrown out/donated/organized and I need to get rid of a lot of excess.

4. Make a "positives" jar. Every day I will write down something I am thankful for that day, a positive experience, something that made me laugh, etc. On December 31 of 2014, I will take them out and read them.

5. Host more meals at my house.

6. Read at least one book every month. (I will keep a list on my blog of the books I read)

7. For every new article of clothing I purchase, I will remove one from my wardrobe.

8. Successfully train throughout the year for the Food and Wine 5K in November.
    -Maintain my size 6/8. Huzzah!

9. Be drinking black coffee by the end of the year.

10. Sing in some form every day, even if just for myself.

It's That Time Again!

Happy New Year, everyone!

I have fallen WAAAAAAAAAAY behind on blogging this month. One of the things I wanted to accomplish this year was to blog once a week. I did so well all year long and got lazy in December. Oh well, you can't win them all!

It's been a nutty year, for sure, but definitely a good one. I am working on another list of things of things to accomplish for 2014, but just haven't finished it yet. I will post it ASAP.

One thing I want to accomplish next year is to give myself a break. Admittedly, I am extremely hard on myself and don't give myself a lot of credit for things I should. Scott is on me about this a lot. Mainly concerning my weight loss. I have come a long way, but I still think I am extremely overweight and have a lot more to lose. This blog has helped me so much with this. Having before and afters handy remind of where I came from and I can relax a bit. On that note, I'm going to end 2013 with a few B&As.

Happy holidays, everyone!

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2013

Christmas 2012

Christmas 2014

Christmas 2009

 Christmas 2014 (sorry for the quality on this one- flash issues)

 

Cousins, Christmas 2009 

 

Cousins, Christmas 2014

Me and my mother, Christmas 2008

Me and my mother, Christmas 2013

(Not sure why I look cross-eyed here)

Another Accomplishment (2013)

In my list of things to accomplish this year, I wanted to donate blood as many times as possible. This is a huge thing for me, and here's why.

The summer I turned 10 years old, I had to have surgery to correct severe scoliosis. I had a stainless steel rod placed in my back. Cool, huh? Anyway, I was going to lose a lot of blood during surgery so I would need some transfusions. I needed 4 units of blood and had to give 2 of my own. So off to Blood Assurance I went. I was so traumatized by the ordeal that I vowed I would never give blood again for any reason, unless it was a life or death situation. In my defense, I was a little kid who had been stuck to death already and had a lot of scar tissue, which made for a tough (and painful!) stick.

Fast-forward to 2009. When Scott's mother became ill, I decided to go give in an effort to help her. Again, they couldn't find a vein, so I was unsuccessful. Never mind the fact that I had to sit in a side office with my head between my legs for 20 minutes because my pulse was too high to donate. They assured me that if I could handle them missing a vein, the actual donatation would be a breeze. I went back a week later and they were able to find a better vein. I was so proud that I'd done it and it wasn't a horrible experience. Once the needle was in and they left me to donate, I was so happy I cried.

Since then, I have tried to go as often as possible to donate. Seeing as I'm O-negative, I've always felt I should. All those years I didn't donate made me feel so guilty, so I'm trying to make up for lost time. The past few years I wasn't on a strict schedule, though. I'd just go when I remembered. This year I decided I would go after the 56 day period had passed and get it done. With the exceptions of being on vacation and going twice and having a low hemoglobin, I was successful!I gave a total of 6 times this year, so go me!!!

Me, donating, age 9

Bless my heart!

Me, post donation, my final pint of 2013, age 35

A Spinoff of the 10 Things You Shouldn't Say to Someone in a Wheelchair (My Five)

A sweetheart on Facebook recently tagged me and posted an article talking about the 10 things you shouldn't say to someone in a wheelchair. When I decided to get my rear and gear blogging this year, I promised myself to make sure the majority of the posts were not about things related to my disability. I have failed, somewhat, but I couldn't pass up making my own list. I'm borrowing some of the ones listed above with my explanations.

Please read this in the spirit it's intended. I don't take myself very seriously at all and have no problem laughing at myself. But there are some things in my life that make me bananas. Here are a few:

1. "You're really pretty for someone in a wheelchair."

Well, uh, thank you. Having a spinal cord injury has nothing to do with looks. I was just a kid when I was injured. Being cute didn't stop me from being in a car wreck, and being in a wheelchair hasn't stopped me from being (apparently) pretty. Spinal cord injuries do not discriminate.

2. "I had to use a wheelchair when I broke my ankle, so I know exactly what you are going through."

No, you don't. I don't believe in the "my disability is worse than yours," but using a wheelchair temporarily because of a broken bone is not the same. It just isn't.

3. "With such a positive attitude as yours, you WILL walk again someday!"

I'm sorry, no, I won't. First of all, there is no cure for spinal cord injuries. None. Nada. Nyet. I personally don't think there ever will be. Second of all, I have no bone density in my legs due to no weight bearing. If by some miracle I had feeling back in my legs and you stood me to my feet, my legs would break. I also refuse to walk with aid. I walked with braces as a child and had to quit for my scoliosis surgery and just never resumed. It was such an artificial way of walking and I hated it. It gave me no normalcy.

Anyway, back to the original point. I'm a very happy person and I love life, but that will not restore my body to the way it used to be. It just doesn't work that way. Thank you for complimenting my personality, but it doesn't cure a person. I will walk in Heaven, and then it won't even matter.

4. "You need a license for that thing." "Slow down speedy!" "You're going to get pulled over!" "She'll run over you for that!"

This was really charming when I was a child, but I'm 35 years old. Comments like that aren't cute anymore.

Unless I'm walking with someone, yes, I go at a faster pace than the average person. My "footstep" is much bigger than someone walking so I am going to get places quicker than everyone. My wheelchair is an extension of my body, a part of my person. It's not something to be mocked or joked with. I know this one sounds like I'm angry, but it's really hard to be taken seriously when you have a disability and comments like this just infantilize a person.

Also, I would never intentionally run over someone's toes. That is beyond painful.

*The exception to the rule: I have a few friends that know that this drives me crazy so they say these things to me just to aggravate me.  :-) *

5. "Anything in your preschool voice."

I guess this one falls under the umbrella of me not being precious. I'm not fragile and don't need to be addressed like I'm a child. Like the author of the linked article, this doesn't apply to the little old ladies, but adults around my age. Like I said already, people in wheelchairs have a hard enough time being taken seriously, and being talked to like a child doesn't help the cause. Being talked down to that way makes me positively stabby.

I was going to go with a list of ten, but I'm going to stop here. I really don't want to ever come across like an angry person so I'm going to quit while I'm ahead.  ;-)

My Definition of Accessibility

Since we just got back from vacation, I thought I would take a few minutes and do a blog about accessibility, at least from a hotel standpoint. Good accessibility, having EVERYTHING I need, is the main reason I love staying at Coronado Springs Resort so much.

We will start off with the golden throne. A toilet is a toilet and I really don't need anything special in that respect, but I always appreciate hand rails. It makes transfers smoother.

And yes, there is a book in there. I read in the bathroom, so sue me.

The main area of accessibility for me in hotels is the shower. This resort has the best setup, as far as I'm concerned. Here she is:

This, my friends, is what is called a roll-in shower with a bench seat. I didn't get a picture of it, but the seat actually folds up against the wall so you can get it out of the way. In the top picture, you can see that there's not a traditional shower head up there, but instead there is a hand-held shower spray. Most of the time, you get handles with good water pressure. Unfortunately, this room did not. No big deal, it just meant longer showers and that's fine by me. The only downside to that is it takes forever to wash my hair when the water pressure isn't hot. That said, this is the first time in 11 trips that we'd had this problem.

The bathrooms are the main point of contention with accessibility. Most of time, the doors are wide and there's plenty of room to get around easily in the room. So, you want to know what I look for in hotel rooms, this is it. 

Wow, that was extremely boring! How about a goofy picture to end with?

Are you Mr. Sulu?

Ok, as promised, here's the long story of how Scott and I met the legendary Mr. George Takei while vacationing in Disney World.

It all began the Monday of our trip. While strolling around our resort, the lovely Coronado Springs...

...we passed two Orange County cops on bicycles. We found that odd, since we never see cops on property, just Disney security. When we returned to our room, Scott looked up the conference schedule for the resort, since it's also a convention center. He discovered that the keynote speaker for one of the conferences was Hillary Rodham Clinton. That explained the cops. He then laughed and told me to go check Facebook. I looked and saw George Takei posting pictures from the Magic Kingdom. That alone was pretty cool, being in Disney World at the same time he was. He was speaking at the same conference.

The next day we were eating lunch at The Pepper Market. I just happened to look over Scott's shoulder and saw him. I told Scott, "Don't look now, but I'm pretty sure that's George Takei sitting back there eating." Of course, he whipped around like a weather vane and confirmed it was him and his husband, Brad. I grabbed my phone and headed over to say hello. Scott, no kidding, said, "What?!?!? You're not!" Of course, I was! This was a once in a lifetime opportunity to meet Mr. Sulu! I was going, with or without him!

We walked over to them. As I approached the two of them I said, like the dork I am, "Excuse me, but are you George Takei?" *face palm* Not my proudest moment. Anyway, he confirmed and I went on to gush about what fans we were and how awesome it was to meet them both. He asked where we were from and he spent the next several minutes talking to us about how much he enjoyed Chattanooga. I then asked if he minded us getting a picture with him. Brad happily took it, we thanked them, and off we went.

I then became a total fangirl and started texting everyone I knew, including my dad, who I knew would be very jealous :-) I had heard that George was very nice to the fans and always willing to chat, and boy, was that the truth. He was so kind and so easy to talk to.

And that's the story of how we meet George Takei while in Disney World! Oh myyyyy!

Of all days for me to be in vacation mode: hair up, no makeup, shorts...ugh. I could have at LEAST popped on some lip gloss, right? :-)

♫Holiday Road.....♫

So, Scott and I just returned from our latest vacation to Walt Disney World. We had an awesome time and had a few unexpected little treats along the way. The best one being meeting George Takei. He was such a nice person and it was quite an honor to speak to him.

Surprisingly, one of the best things that came out of our trip didn't occur until we got home. I was looking at all of our pictures and realized that a few of the shots we took were identical to ones we took last year. I pulled them up and did a little comparing. Needless to say, my jaw hit the floor. Let's compare, shall we?

Cracker Barrel in Valdosta, 11-2012

Cracker Barrel in Valdosta, 11-2013

Yacht and Beach Club, 11-2012

Yacht and Beach Club, 11-2013

The California Grill (our nice dinner), 11-2012

Yachtsman Steakhouse, 11-2013

Coronado Springs Resort, 2012

Coronado Springs Resort*, 2013

*Just as a side note, yes, I'm well aware of the fact I look like the last rose of summer in this picture. It was warm but insanely windy that day so my hair went up. I didn't have any makeup on either, so that's why I look so odd ;-)

Beaches and Cream, 11-2012 (this one is painful to look at, honestly)

Beaches and Cream, 11-2013

And one from WAAAAAY back, 12-2005

Same bus stop, 11-2013

These are just a few fun ones at the gym at our resort. Sorry to be a braggart, but I'm a little proud of myself:

That's 62.5 pounds, baby!

And a cheesy one:

Sadly, I'm not as proud of this one. Overhead presses are not my forte (yet). That's only about 30 pounds. Ugh. Also, apologies for the VERY unladylike pose. I'm a paraplegic, for goodness sake.

There you have it, friends! You know, I was pretty dang proud of my pictures last year. But looking back on them now, I can really see how far I've come since then. I've mentioned a few times that I still see a fat girl staring back at me. These kinds of pictures give me that slap across the face I need! I'd also like to add that this is the first time I wore shorts on vacation since Scott and I got married. Yes, my legs are white, they always will be, but I'm not embarrassed to show them anymore.

Again, I'd like to stress that all of this was done with simple diet and exercise- no pills, no shakes, nothing artificial, no surgery, and no gimmicks.